


The world began in Eden

by LilyRosePotter



Series: feel it in my bones [1]
Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Apocalypse, Fictional Ad Reads (Crooked Media RPF), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 01:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15013337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyRosePotter/pseuds/LilyRosePotter
Summary: Do you think ZipRecruiter has a resume category for “I’ve never done this before but it’s the apocalypse so my old skills are useless?”





	The world began in Eden

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Dan Week Day 6: Apocalypse _and_ Ad Read/Pod Related
> 
> Title from _The World Began in Eden and Ended in Los Angeles_ by Paul Ochs which is the perfect soundtrack for this fic

******Favs:**  With recent conversation in popular culture surrounding fake news, alternative facts, and the news media, it’s important to know where your news comes from. 

 **Lovett:** Especially when that fake news includes unconfirmed information about the mysterious pandemic sweeping the globe! 

 **Favs:** Texture collects some of the most trustworthy credible publications in the world such as Time Magazine, The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, and many- 

 **Lovett:** Credible publications that tell you the real news, that no one knows how we got here or how to cure this disease! 

 **Favs:** [sarcastic] We’re hopeful today here at Crooked Media. Texture gives you access not just to your favorite magazines but also the latest in investigative journalism, us politics and domestic and international news. the texture app has gone beyond delivering the magazines themselves, 

 **Lovett:** Can they deliver text messages from people who’ve gone dark? 

 **Favs:** No I don’t think- 

 **Lovett:** Like your co-founder and co-host who was just going to meet with a couple experts in DC and come right back? Who was supposed to be checking in daily and has been off the grid for two weeks? Can Texture make him communicate? 

 **Favs:** Seeing as Texture is not a communications utility, I’m not sure they can do that. But, they _can_ make it easy to find the articles you want to read - that tell you about how much of the communications grid is down across the country - with daily recommendations and exclusive features… if you sign up right now at texture dot com slash crooked you’ll get a fourteen day- 

 **Lovett:** [loudly] Fourteen day free trial of all the magazines you want to read while you’re holed up somewhere ignoring all your friends and coworkers and obligations-

 **Favs:** [sincere] We hope you’re okay buddy. We miss you. 

 **Lovett:** Do we? 

 **Favs:** That’s texture dot com slash crooked.

 

* * *

 

 **Favs:** We’ll talk to you on Monday, bye everybody.

 **Dan:** Okay, I’ll talk to you guys later. 

 **Lovett:** You should stay on and do ad reads with us.  

 **Favs:** [patiently] Lovett, Dan has things to do.  

 **Dan:** I, ahh, don’t actually. I don’t have the copy though.  

 **Favs:** [laughing] Lovett doesn’t either.

 **Lovett:** Excuse you I have it right in front of me on this…

 **Favs:** Lovett is frantically trying to pull the email up on his phone. 

 **Lovett:** I _do_ have it… somewhere. Anyway, you’ve got all the important lines. Dan and I will just listen with rapt attention to your wisdom.  

 **Favs:** Leave it in… The presenting sponsor of Pod Save America is ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter  is the smartest way to hire and get hired.  

 **Lovett:** Dan do you think there are a lot of people in the market for a new job right now?  

 **Dan:** There probably are. Lots of, um, openings.  

 **Lovett:** That’s true. Lots of people missing work and since we have bullshit sick leave policies in this country... 

 **Favs:** New job opportunities too, a shift in the economy.  

 **Dan:** True, higher demand for healthcare professionals and utilities workers probably.  

 **Favs:** Well if you _are_ looking for a new job or new employee, ZipRecruiter can help. They’ve helped hundreds of thousands of businesses of all sizes across all industries find the right people to hire and they’ve helped millions of people find the right jobs.  ZipRecruiter has technology that scans thousands of resumes, finds qualified candidates and prompts them to apply.  

 **Lovett:** Do you think there’s a resume category for “I’ve never done this before but it’s the apocalypse so my old skills are useless?”  

 **Favs:** [sharp] It is not- [harsh breath] We decided we weren’t using that word. ZipRecruiter’s intuitive dash-board learns which candidates you like and finds you more so you only get good candidates.

 **Lovett:** We decided we weren’t using it in our analysis, we never said anything about ads. Dan do _you_ think ZipRecruiter has a category for apocalypse jobs? 

 **Dan:** [laughing] I don’t know Lovett. My job still just involves sitting at my kitchen table, I just don’t go out for a run before sitting down to record anymore.  

 **Lovett:** [dramatically] a changing world. 

 **Favs:** [dogged]  ZipRecruiter is one of the fastest growing job sites in the world and right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter dot com slash crooked that’s ZipRecruiter dot com slashhhhh  

 **Lovett:** I like having Dan in the ads, you should stay more often

 **Favs:** Crooked.

 

* * *

 

 **Favs:** Pod Save America is brought to you by Policy Genius. Life insurance, do you have it? If not, why not? Too much of a hassle?

 **Lovett:** You know an estimated death toll of ten million people really puts the need for life insurance in context. If half the population is dead by the end of this, the life insurance companies are really going to be struggling, no? 

 **Dan:** That’s- I guess their business models probably don’t include pandemics.  

 **Favs:** If you don’t have life insurance already, um, Policy Genius dot com is the best online life insurance marketplace for the most accurate quotes from the top A-rated insurance companies.  

 **Lovett:** You know, telephone lines are down and internet servers are fading and so many people don’t have power or can’t get to hospitals because the roads aren’t being fixed, but if you still have an internet connection, you can spend a few hours planning for your grim death with Policy Genius, leave some life insurance for the family that likely died with you! 

 **Favs:** That’s horrible Lovett. Why do we have to-  

 **Lovett:** It isn’t fucking going away if we don’t talk about it, sorry I tried to make it funny. It’s really fucking hard to joke about life insurance even before the apocalypse.  

 **Favs:** [upset] Don’t call it- 

 **Dan:** [placating] Jon, tell us about Policy Genius 

 **Favs:** Right. [breathes audibly] They have, um, They have a licensed customer service team to help you find the best policy. Go to Policy Genius dot com to save up to forty percent off other life insurance providers.

 

* * *

 

 **Favs:** Welcome to Pod Save America, I’m Jon Favreau 

 **Lovett:** I’m Jon Lovett 

 **Dan:** I’m Dan Pfeiffer

 **Favs:** Our servers have been acting up and quitting on us so we’re transitioning to radio 

 **Lovett:** Old school! 

 **Favs:** We’re still going to try to push things out as podcasts, but we want to make sure we’re getting out news to whoever we can.  

 **Lovett:** Would you say, we’ll do it live?

 **Dan:** The FCC does regulate radio waves, Lovett.

 **Lovett:** [gleefully] Fuck it, we’ll do it live.

 **Favs:** Starting off strong. We’ll have a broadcast for like two seconds before we get shut down for using too many of the seven words.  

 **Lovett:** I feel like we are the least of the FCC’s problems right now, they should probably work on like, restoring communications to eighty percent of the country.  

 **Favs:** An estimated eighty percent… The presenting sponsor of Pod Save America is ZipRecruiter.  

 **Lovett:** Again I have to ask: who is fucking hiring on ZipRecruiter right now?

 **Dan:** That’s two.

 **Favs:** Until my cell phone no longer gets emails with ads and ad copy, I’m going to keep reading it Lovett, they don’t pay us to question their business models.  

 **Lovett:** Sure. ZipRecruiter is… the smartest way to hire and get hired.  

 **Favs:** They’ve helped hundreds of thousands of  

 **Lovett:** businesses of all sizes! all industries! And millions of people find jobs! 

 **Favs:** [tired] yes, they have. ZipRecruiter is one of the fastest growling - shit- fastest growing job sites in the world.  

 **Dan:** That’s three.

 **Favs:** Really? Shit? 

 **Dan:** yeah. [deadpan] Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. 

 **Lovett:** [delighted] Seven! 

 **Favs:** [giggles helplessly]

 **Dan:** Fuck.  

 **Favs:** [frantic] so, ah, right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter dot com slash crooked thats ZipRecruiter dot com slashhhhh  

 **Lovett:** Dan’s gonna get barred by the FCC

 **Favs:** Crooked

 

* * *

 

 **Favs:** Pod Save America is brought to you by Movement. Movement watches was founded on the idea that style shouldn’t break the bank. The watchmaker’s goal is high quality minimalism 

 **Lovett:** Revolutionary prices! 

 **Favs:** With revolutionary prices. With over one million watches sold in over 160 countries movement watches has solidified itself as the world’s leading watch maker.

 **Lovett:** I have a movement watch! You have a movement watch! Dan do you?

 **Dan:** Ah, no I don’t.  

 **Favs:** Well if you wanted to get one, they start at just ninety-five dollars. At a department store you’re looking at 400 to 500 bucks.  

 **Dan:** When is the last time you went to a department store?  

 **Favs:** ... A long time ago. Movement watches prioritize classic design, quality construction, styled minimalism.  

 **Lovett:** You know who _does_ have a movement watch? 

 **Favs:** Lovett-

 **Lovett:** [sharply] That styled minimalism apparently doesn’t do a whole lot to help you find your fucking way home.  

 **Favs:** [weakly] I think you’re thinking of a compass not a watch. 

 **Lovett:** [angry] Apparently he can’t tell fucking time either, Tommy it’s been five months where the fuck are you?  

 **Favs:** [thickly] If you’re still- fuck- 

[with forced casualness] Get 15% off with free shipping at m-v-m-t dot com slash crooked. That’s m-v-m-t dot com slash crooked.

 

* * *

 

 **Favs:** Pod Save America is brought to you by Blue Apron, [yawns] the leading meal kit delivery service in the United States.

 **Lovett:** Are we boring you Jon? 

 **Favs:** I slept thirteen hours last night I don’t know what’s happening, sorry. 

 **Lovett:** [teasing] Well, you know, growing boys need their rest.

 **Dan:** [worried] I’m not sure he’s growing any more Lovett… 

 **Lovett:** That’s true, he’s actually like… withering away over here.

 **Favs:** Blue Apron! Blue Apron sends you all the ingredients you need to make a complete meal in under forty-five minutes. In light of worries that the virus is foodborne, Blue Apron is doing eight extra checks for food safety.

 **Lovett:** Jon, you’re sweating.  

 **Favs:** I’m fine. I made Blue Apron earlier this week. This month’s featured meals include-

 **Dan:** What’s going on?

 **Lovett:** [insistent] It's pretty cold in here. The thermostat is broken at 62 degrees and we haven’t been able to get anyone to fix it, cause you know, apocalypse, why are you sweating? 

 **Favs:** It's- I don't know, I'm fine. It's just a little cold.  It's 62 degrees? No, I'm just- I'm fine. Blue Apron, a better way to- 

 **Lovett:** Jon you're- Jon! 

[thud followed by a loud commotion] 

 **Dan:** Guys! Guys?

 

* * *

 

 **Lovett:** Pod Save America is brought to you by Blue Apron, the leading meal kit delivery service in the United States. We’d like to- Oh fuck no I’m not reading this.

 **Dan:** Lovett you have to read the copy.  

 **Lovett:** I do _not_. I’m emailing it to you, you can fucking read it. 

 **Dan:** That’s going to take so long, service is terrible.

 **Lovett:** Well I will _wait_. How is your apocalypse day today Dan? 

 **Dan:** uh, it’s, it’s fine. How about yours? 

 **Lovett:** It’s pretty fucking shitty Dan. What are you doing right now?

 **Dan:** [patiently] I’m sitting at my kitchen table talking to you.  

 **Lovett:** [mischievously] What are you wearing? 

 **Dan:** [sighs] sweatpants and a t-shirt Lovett. Oh look the email came!

 **Lovett:** Are you lying? Are you not enjoying this small talk Dan? I am a brilliant conversa- 

 **Dan:** [talking over him] Pod Save America is brought to you by Blue Apron, the leading meal kit delivery service in the United States. We’d like to, ohhh. 

 **Lovett:** See? 

 **Dan:** We’d like to apologize for the… discussion of disease symptoms on Monday’s podcast.  

 **Lovett:** Jon was just literally collapsing in here, sorry we didn’t stick to the fucking script. 

 **Dan:** Blue Apron would like us to emphasize that they are constantly improving their health and safety standards to combat pathogens and we um, won’t talk about the virus beyond that again. 

 **Lovett:** Again, couldn’t really be helped. Jon’s fucking quarantined to figure out if he has the virus and [voice breaks] yeah.

 **Dan:** Lovett, he’s going to be-

 **Lovett:** [forcefully] Blue Apron delivers all the ingredients for a healthy home-cooked meal to your doorstep. Meals can be prepared in under forty-five minutes. Blue Apron is treating Pod Save America listeners to your first three meals completely free. That’s a thirty-dollar value with your first order if you visit Blue Apron dot com slash crooked. Thirty dollars off your first order. Blue Apron is a better way to [voice breaks] cook.

 

* * *

 

 **Lovett:** When you have a great glass of wine it enhances the moment, whether you’re relaxing at the end of a long day or spending time with someone you love. Dan, when is the last time you had a great glass of wine?

 **Dan:** I, uh, really don’t know.

 **Lovett:** Did it enhance the moment? This is harder over the phone, imagine that I’m staring intently into your eyes right now.

 **Dan:** um, why? 

 **Lovett:** [suggestively] Because it’s been _too_ long, Dan, I miss those baby blues.

 **Dan:** [laughing] It has.

 **Lovett:** If you go to trywinc dot com - god all these websites that no one can get to - you can take a palate profile quiz to find out what kind of wines you should try. I need that now since I can’t just ask Tommy…

 **Dan:** [smoothly] None of your time is wasted with a run to the store -wow this _is_ outdated copy - you can skip or cancel at any time.

 **Lovett:** It is. Copy that predates the destruction of society and the decline in our social reasons to drink wine. Fuck, I’m sorry.

 **Dan:** [reassuring] It’s fine.  

Right now winc is offering listeners twenty dollars off your first order when you go to trywinc dot com slash crooked.

 **Lovett:** [weary] you have to spell it. T-r-y-w-i-n-c dot com slash crooked.  

 **Dan:** I’ll do better next time.  

 **Lovett:** I live to help you improve yourself Dan. You should come to LA so I can help you improve yourself in person.

 **Dan:** [laughing] Someday... [suddenly sincere] You know, Lovett, talking to you is the only bright spot these days.

 **Lovett:** Oh- yeah- [quietly] me too.

 

* * *

 

 **Lovett:** Do you have a mouth?

 **Dan:** I sure do!

 **Lovett:** Well now you can take better care of it with Quip. Okay you read this part.  

 **Dan:** [resigned] Oh no. Quip is the new electric toothbrush with a slimmer design that packs just the right amount of- 

 **Lovett:** Premium vibrations!

 **Dan:** And guiding pulses alert you when to switch sides, making brushing the right amount of effortless.  

 **Lovett:** Guiding pulses!

 **Dan:** Quip also comes with a mount that sticks right to your mirror and doubles as a travel cover for your brush.  

 **Lovett:** A what, Dan? 

 **Dan:** Refugees who have had to leave their towns because of outbreaks endorse the travel cover.  

 **Lovett:** Oh. They… changed that. 

 **Dan:** I’m not sure that that’s an accurate use of the word refugee either. Quip has a subscription plan that refreshes your brush heads on a dentist recommended schedule, every three months, or you can pre-order brush heads in bulk.

 **Lovett:** Quip is backed by a network of over ten thousand dental professionals. Quip starts at just twenty five dollars. If you go to get quip dot com slash crooked you get your first refill pack free with the purchase of your electric toothbrush - again with the websites. 

 **Dan:** These companies are eternal optimists.

 **Lovett:** They should bottle that optimism and sell _that_.

 

* * *

 

[phone ringing] 

 **Lovett:** [quietly] Dan- Dan- Dan, pick up, please.

[phone continues to ring] 

 **Lovett:** Fuck.  

[dial tone] 

 **Lovett:** Well, um, the presenting sponsor of Pod Save America is ZipRecruiter...

 

* * *

 

 **Lovett:** Pod Save America is brought to you by the Cash App. If you somehow still haven’t downloaded the Cash App _and_ you have the internet and phone service to download apps, just- fucking do it? Download the Cash App, you get five bucks, five bucks goes to the Red Cross for pandemic relief. If you still have friends around with whom to split the price of things, just, use the fucking Cash App. We’re not using the other apps anymore. 

[clears throat] 

Pod Save America is also brought to you by Locate, which is a terribly uncreative name for a new service that promises to locate your missing family members and friends. You just- hm- give them as much information about the person and their last known location and they use crowdsourcing in communities to look for them.

You’d think you know, that being a part-owner of the most successful media company of the apocalypse would spur you to be found, but ahh, I wish Locate the best of luck, maybe I’ll try it... Tommy, if you're out there, we have quite a hefty check waiting for you from all these ads.  Better come get it before money loses all meaning and we start up the barter economy again.

I- Locate can be found on whatever app store platform you have, use the code crooked to get a free missing person entry. The app is Locate, code crooked, bringing people together again.

 

* * *

 

 **Lovett:** [rote] Pod Save America is brought to you by Squarespace. Make it with Squarespace. Squarespace empowers millions of people from individuals and local artists to entrepreneurs shaping the world’s most iconic businesses to share their stories and create an impactful, stylish, easy to manage online presence. 

Squarespace strives for excellence with beautiful templates created by world class designers, powerful ecommerce functionality that lets you sell anything online and analytics that help you grow in real time. They have 24/7 award winning customer service, there’s nothing to patch or upgrade ever, check out squarespace dot com slash crooked for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch use the offer code crooked to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. 

A dream is just a great idea that doesn’t have a website yet. Make it a reality with Squarespace.

 

* * *

 

 **Lovett:** [dully] Pod Save America is brought to you by Tommyjohn. I’ve been wearing Tommyjohn underwear for years. It’s crafted from light breathable fabrics that move with you, not against you. There’s never any riding up, that means no wedgies. They also feature a contour pouch to keep your goods nestled up front plus a patented [voice breaks] horizontal quick draw fly- Fuck. 

[voice rising] I’m sorry, I can't- what the fuck am I doing here. We’re in the middle of the goddamn apocalypse and I’m advertising underwear to _no one_. There Jon, I fucking said it, there’s no one left to tell me I can’t. This is the apocalypse and everyone is sick or gone and I’m advertising underwear on the radio.

[angry] Remember when government staffers used to listen to this podcast so they could yell at us for misrepresenting them? What have they accomplished since this started. It’s been well over six months and no one’s done fucking anything. What if we hadn’t defunded the CDC and blocked all research and banned them from saying the word “evidence-based”? Where is all your “but the tax code” now, Paul Ryan?

And all these companies, advertising their apps and their underwear and their fucking _websites_. Why don’t you all do something about the fact that your fucking customers are dying by the millions? What use is it to sell things if there’s no one to buy them? Forget about your fucking profit margins and do some good in the world!

[exhausted] Fuck. I don’t even- What are we _doing_? If you need to upgrade your underwear, go to Tommyjohn dot com and use the code crooked. 

 

* * *

 

 **Lovett:** Hi everyone, welcome to Pod Save America, I’m Jon Lovett. I honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone’s out there listening. But, um, I’m gonna do something a little different. I was thinking about what I’m doing here, and what my, uh, friends would tell me to do. 

And we’re gonna- _I’m_ gonna put my money where my mouth is. We’re going to fucking do something, any of you still listening to me. I have a whole list of resources that I’m gonna read through instead of reading ads and- I haven’t figured it out entirely yet, so like, let me know if you have better ideas but I’m tired of pretending this can just go on.

There’s gotta be smart people out there who can do something about this. Help me find them. 

Okay, so, the Red Cross says that the epidemic is being spread by food and bodily fluids. Which is, not great but at least it’s not airborne. I know it seems like the stupidest thing in the world, but they say the best thing you can do is wash your hands, like, all the fucking time. And with the food-

[door opens] 

Elijah I thought you were heading out on your foolhardy quest to cross America? 

 **Dan:** Not Elijah. 

 **Lovett:** [gasps] D-Dan? 

[footsteps] 

 **Dan:** Hey you. 

 **Lovett:** [trembling] Hey yourself. What- What are you doing here? 

 **Dan:** [soft] You told me to come to LA so you could help me be better in person.  

 **Lovett:** [awed] I… did.  

 **Dan:** Here I am. 

 **Lovett:** Here you are. 

 **Dan:** Lovett, I- 

 **Lovett:** Just kiss me already. 

[muffled sounds] 

 **Lovett:** Wait, we’re still live. Hang on- I’ll- No, _we’ll_ be back on Thursday. Stay safe, and let us know if you have any ideas for how we can save America.

[static]


End file.
